The Young, the Restless, and the Completely Stupid
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "csivegas7" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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12:40 am
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correction
Hi. I haven't written anything in awhile.
But I want to make a correction to an entry I wrote in high school.
About playing at one of the band shows.. a home football game.
The song I referred to in that entry was a Ben Folds song.
At the time, I didn't know it was about Folds' friend, Elliot Smith, a really fabulous singer/songwriter who committed suicide in 2003.
Very tragic story.
So that entry was just ignorance on my part. I really did not know that song was about him or anything and then I started talking about myself in it. Quite selfish of me to distort a meaningful song like that and relate it back to my own insignificant, daily happenings.
And everyone, by the way, should listen to Elliot Smith at some point.
Because he really was that fabulous.
Highly recommended. May he rest in peace.
On that note, I hope everyone is well.
Happy Holidays.
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01:22 pm
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Warm Blooded
Ever wake up and remember something that happened to you yesterday that suddenly makes you very angry?
Yeah. Well that happened to me this morning. As "POINTLESS" (if I may very well BORROW THE WORD) as it all seems.
Lying in my bed, perhaps, not ironically, reading Capote's In Cold Blood,
Pausing to stare up at the ceiling and thinking, "Why the hell didn't I say something in defense?"
Lay out the law. Make someone uncomfortable.
But that's not how I do things.
I never have normal reactions at normal times.
I always get angry later. And that's what's most unsettling, I suppose.
And then I rationalize until my head explodes, letting the anger subside until apathy takes over.
I wind up feeling sorry for myself and the person who said it, all at once.
Afterall, it's really not their fault that they are ignorant.
I'm certain I've slipped up in the past.
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12:40 pm
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Over Breakfast
So it's barely after 8 and I decided to get some breakfast, namely cereal before my class.
I like cereal.
I sat down and expected a quiet, unsocial morning due to the early time, dreadful weather, and the relative isolation of the table.
"Sam?" said a voice from above.
I looked up innocently. Well what do you know, it was Suzanne, Class of '05!
"I thought you had come here!"
I envisioned her leafing through the last issue of the school newspaper.
"Hey!" I said with enthusiasm. I was in the middle of chewing Raisin Bran.
The last time I had seen her was June of her senior year.
"Come sit with us," she said. I looked around. But there was no one.
I picked up my tray, and she led me to a table in the center of the hall.
I met her roommate, two of her friends, the student director of the school's spring musical, and another frosh.
And we started talking about majors. We're in the same school, but different concentrations.
"Taking any history courses?" she asked.
"Not right now. Well, I'm taking Government," I said over Raisin Bran. "But that's a poli-sci."
"Ah, okay."
"Yeah. I actually got a 5 on the AP American exam," I said. I had no idea why I was telling her this.
"Hey, good for you," she said. Then she smiled. She had taken that class the year before me.
"I miss Ms. ______," she said half-reminiscently.
And I looked at her, and I smiled, too. I let this moment come and go, like an ocean wave in the late afternoon.
In long rays, I stood and watched it retreat, admiring the sparkling coating it had left on sand that was all too smooth.
Then I ruined it all and said, "Really? 'Cause I don't."
And then a potentially awkward hiatus in conversation passed when Suzanne laughed, drank from her glass of water, and changed the subject.
I always liked Suzanne.
Now I know why.
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02:09 am
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Trail Mix
Tonight I went to Princeton with a couple of people. One of which was my roommate, Caitlin.
That was fun. It made us really miss eating out at places other than the school dining hall. I had a good time.
Nice people.
I want to write something profound, but I struggle.
Like a certain person said when they signed my yearbook.
And then I looked in my other friend’s yearbook, the same person had filled an entire page with words.
I saw that. I know what you did…
LOL!!! And I don’t care.
What can I say?
WRITER’S BLOCK.
2 nights ago, I was propped up in my bed with a notebook staring around the room.
I tossed the notebook to the side and declared, “I give up. I have writer’s block.”
For once, I failed at writing something about my high school.
This failure in the end might be a success.
Maybe I’ve finally run dry.
I can only hope so.
There are times when I just think about my high school and that whole experience.
And somehow, somewhere along the line, I think I took something from it.
Because I learned from that experience.
I learned how important life is. Just living. Period.
I learned how to act from some important people.
I also learned how NOT to act by the unfortunate examples of many.
And maybe this doesn’t need to be expressed in my words. I live it.
I get caught up in worrying about stupid stuff.
Let’s face it. We all do.
I’m borderline OCD.
I’d like to say that we all are.
But we’re not.
I fall off chairs.
I knock stuff over.
I hit my head and slam my thigh into a desk.
I lock myself out and pound on doors.
So where does this leave me?
It leaves me 2 o’clock in the morning.
It leaves me questioning why I wrote this.
It leaves me talking to a martial arts black belt who lives several floors below me.
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12:19 pm
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Medium Adhesive
What do I want to write???
NOTHING!
haha.
So that's it.
When everything is different, new, and exciting, my brain flops out of my head and onto a desk, where it feasts itself on post-it note reminders.
So hooooray!
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01:31 am
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The Mother of All Entries
This entry is for all the people out there that have no idea when I'm leaving.
I'm not telling you at this point.
And this entry is a goodbye.
A goodbye to the old, but not to the old people.
You can't forget the people that got you here...that's called "denying your existence: the good and the bad".
And don't forget that.
Everything in life is a two-way street.
And this is the point where I don't bother to explain anything else, do a classic Sam smile, and click "update journal".
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12:30 am
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Them Funny People
So I'm at Dana's house and we came home from walking around the beach and the boardwalk.
Dana's "sort-of" friends were there.
I really don't like one of these individuals because I don't get a good vibe when I'm around this person.
She's a "shady character", and I learned tonight that I really don't like what she's about.
It looks like she preys on younger people, sophomores and juniors in high school, and then tries to corrupt them.
__________
"Remember the pact that we made this summer?" she asked a bunch of 16 year olds.
And they all kinda stared at her blankly.
"Get laid," she reminded them.
(And then me and my wit...)
"Well that's easy to remember!" I said from a blue spinning lounge chair.
Even she smiled for a mili-second.
________________
Why is she saying stuff like that to a group of kids who are barely halfway through high school?
And does she really want to "get laid" and talk about it with 16 year olds?
...cause that's definitely what it sounded like.
She should be more careful of what she says -AND- while she's young!
She could teach kids in the D.A.R.E. program.
Or advocate gun control!
Clearly, she's an excellent role model.
The end.
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02:47 am
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Which Way?
I have so many thoughts running thru my mind right now. It's just crazy.
First, tho, I want to record an occurence that happened a while back. At least a month ago, at a graduation party.
One of the smartest people I'll ever meet was there.
Let's refer to her as Mary for identity purposes.
*Anyone who went to high school with me will know who I'm talking about it a second.
But let's keep it "Mary" for now.
___________________________________
Well I was getting ready to leave this party, and I'd been chatting with Mary and some friends the entire time.
There was a DJ.
Mary was dancing up a storm which was completely absurd because she didn't even go to prom.
If you saw Mary walking down the street, you'd say that she looks like an average teenager.
But that's until you start to talk to her and go "Whoa. Mary isn't standard at all."
In fact, Mary received a lot of flack for being different in high school.
People were not necessarily nice to Mary all the time.
More importantly, people didn't know what to make of Mary.
They just weren't on the same page.
Myself included for the first half of high school.
Then things changed Junior year.
When I realized that Mary was different.
Not because she was strange...but, oddly enough, because she was COOL.
And that was the answer in the simplest form.
Mary was full of ideas and innovations that the average person wouldn't dare to dream up.
Mary was a DREAMER trapped in a small Catholic school- with the threat of a massive cookie cutter looming in the distance.
Mary talked of Africa and of helping people there.
Mary talked of working non-profit over the summer and possibly throughout a career.
"But how would you get by on that?" I asked from behind a Capri Sun.
I didn't always know how to talk to Mary.
I knew she could impart knowledge, yet I was caught up in my own high school dramas and endeavors.
How much peer-to-peer enlightenment could I receive in this setting?
________
So back to the occurence.
We were all getting ready to leave this graduation party.
We said goodbye to the remaining people.
And then there was Mary. I asked Mary, "When will I see you again?"
And she paused. She thought.
"Probably never."
And then Mary smiled.
And I smiled too, because I knew she was right.
______________
I truly believe that people experience life changing moments.
Mary's response hit me like a ton of bricks.
"Probably Never."
So we have to do something... NOW.
WHAT ARE WE DOING???
What will be our contribution?
How is it all going to play out?
Will I see that person again?
What was the last thing I said?
What is going to happen?
To the world?
To me?
How's it all going to end?
But first, how will it begin?
...And then I finished a bottle of Tums and got in a car, only to lose my way looking for 18.
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12:47 am
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Under the Plywood and Over the Bridge
There's about a ten minute ride to Home Depot.
I fell asleep in the passenger seat.
I told my dad to leave me there in the parking lot, napping.
I turned off the car to save gas.
Well, good one Sam.
I woke up sweating profusely. The car was nothing short of a sauna.
I dragged myself into Home Depot, where the air conditioner was like a cool slap in the face, and then I looked for an appliance lightbulb for a lava lamp that Bob had given me two Christmases ago when he was my Secret Santa.
Later that night, I co-babysat my little cousins.
We went to the mall.
They were so good.
We rode the kiddie train.
We went into Brookstone.
My little cousins were trying to touch the things in the store, so I was careful that they didn't break anything.
I started playing with an automatic card shuffler.
The cards spilled all over the place.
My cousins just stared.
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11:33 pm
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New Adventures
Walking around alone in the mall on a Friday night is not only lonely, but also very disturbing.
I went with my mom but we decided to split for an hour or so to do our own shopping. Or in my case, browsing.
Ran into Greg. Literally ran into him on purpose.
That was after I watched my favorite redhead make frozen coffee drinks for spoiled teenagers.
I ate a vegan oatmeal cookie as I watched.
I didn't realize it was vegan until I looked at the wrapper and saw, "Vegan Oatmeal Cookie".
I don't know what to say right now.
I got my ears pierced. Took me long enough.
I was laughing through the entire thing.
Beause Dana and Michelle were staring at me and that was really funny.
They were watching my every move.
After the first one, I didn't even flinch.
"You didn't even move, Sam!" said Michelle
After the second one, I smiled and yelled "OWWWW!!!" and pretended to keel over in pain.
And then I burst out laughing.
"Let's go do something crazy," I said at the top of the escalator.
Later, I made Michelle look for a bathing suit with me.
She was quite helpful, but no luck.
Well I'm glad I had a vegan oatmeal cookie and found a bathing suit today in time for this weekend.
Just keep swimmin'.
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